CLINTON —
After a lot of hard work, sweat and tears, I finally found a swimsuit to wear this summer.
When I tried on the winner, it was like discovering a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
I could have sworn that I saw little leprechauns dancing for joy outside my dressing room.
Last week’s column generated a lot of comments and suggestions.
One of my co-workers called to tell me the next morning that Sports Illustrated had called the Herald and wanted to set up a photo shoot for next year’s swimsuit edition, which would also involve my chickens in some way. Gee, I bet that issue would just fly off the shelves.
I can just see myself lying on a beach in the Bahamas smiling for a professional photographer with chickens roosting on me. Watch out Elle Macpherson.
The only way I’d probably end up as a swimsuit centerfold is if Backyard Poultry had a swimsuit issue featuring female chicken farmers. I can just see myself stretched out in my chicken coop striking a pose lying on a pile of animal bedding holding a basket full of eggs.
My neighbor also inquired the next day if I had found a suit yet. I said “no” but that the scuba suit was still in the running. He was very helpful and suggested that I use a chicken feed sack for a swimsuit. Gee, nothing says “look at me more” than a feed sack.
He did have one good idea, however. He suggested that I should get a duck inner tube and transform the duck into a chicken by adding a bright red comb to the top of its head. After giving this a lot of thought, I had an epiphany. I have a thin, red rubber hot pad in my kitchen drawer that would work like a charm. I have a feeling poolgoers this summer will spot me from a mile away.
Last, but not least, he suggested that I have someone take pictures of me modeling several swimsuit possibilities, publish them in my column and have my readers vote for a winner. Wow, it’s surprising I never thought of that.
I told him that would never happen in a million years because I would, first of all, break the hand of whoever was trying to take those pictures and finally I would break the camera.
After trying on a few more swimsuits over the weekend, I stumbled upon one that I could definitely see some of my favorite actresses from the 1940s wearing. Even though I had no intention of purchasing a one piece, I found one that caught my eye. It definitely looked like something Rita Hayworth or Betty Grable would wear in a pin-up photograph during World War II.
From the waist up, the swimsuit was navy blue with white polka dots. In an effort to not look like a 13-year-old girl at the pool, this suit had some extra padding and gathering in a certain place that made me look a little more curvy. From the waist down, the suit was solid blue, which gave the impression that it was a modest looking two-piece swimsuit.
After I put the suit on, I actually liked what I was seeing in the mirror. I can honestly say that hasn’t happened a lot lately when I’ve tried on swimsuits. Even though I still needed a spray-on tan to mask my pasty-white complexion, this little polka dotted suit looked really good. It was actually flattering. I felt just like Hayworth and Grable.
So, after a brief deliberation with my friend Elise who came with me on this shopping excursion to give advice and support, I decided to purchase my 1940s look-a-like swimsuit. I’m actually looking forward to learning how to swim in it.
Even though I may be squawking and flailing my arms around like a chicken, I will look good doing it.
I just can’t help but wonder one thing. If I did become a swimsuit centerfold for Backyard Poultry’s swimsuit issue, I wonder if they would pay me in chicken feed. You have to admit that’s a valid question.
Angie Bicker has been employed with the Clinton Herald since 2001. She can be reached at angiebicker@clintonherald.com.
Opinion
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Angie Bicker
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May 2, 2012
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